out of darkness... fright

"Wilson" had an allergic reaction to the bathroom chemicals. Because of this, he usually cleaned the TMS Library alone while we worked in other parts of the campus. Nick had a Michael Myers mask and brought it to work one night.

I'm sure you can see where this is going.

One night, "Pedro" ran ahead of Wilson and let himself into the TMS building. Wilson began the routine as normal by emptying the trash cans in the Seminary professors' offices. This diagram may help you visualize... the left office being ground zero: Dick Mayhue's office.

He approached Dick Mayhue's office, slid the key in the lock, and swung the door open. Before his hand could reach the light switch, he glanced up and there in the darkness saw Michael Myers sitting motionless behind the desk.

(Insert "Halloween" theme music)

"Uh, hey," stammered Wilson.

"Aww man!" said Michael Myers, as he ripped off the mask to reveal Pedro underneath. "How did you know it was me?"

"Actually, I'm really glad it is you," Wilson said, relieved. "I didn't know who it was," he laughed. "...if some guy broke in here... if Mayhue had just flipped out and gone crazy... I may look fine on the outside but I'm shaking on the inside."

"Oh... well... cool!" said Pedro, nodding his approval as he flashed a broad smile.

After a good laugh, Pedro decided this night wasn't over yet.

All custodians carried walkie-talkies to aid in cross-campus communication. Third shift even created radio handles for ourselves... Red Leader, Red Zeppelin, Red Skull, Red October, Red Rum, Red Five, Red Snapper, just to name a few. Whenever 2nd shift set up a scaring over the radio, it was pretty obvious. Pedro was more careful, however, so when we all heard him ask "Carlos" to take a mop and bucket over to the kitchen, no one on 2nd shift suspected a thing.

As Pedro completed the radio call, he quickly made his way to the kitchen to wait... and wait... and wait.

After what seemed like an eternity, Pedro finally heard the tell-tale sign of a mop bucket approaching. He tensed behind the warmer that so nicely concealed his presence.

In this diagram, the yellow line indicates Carlos' path and the red "X" is, of course, Pedro.

Carlos expected to find a liquid mess when he rounded the last corner. Instead, he found Pedro, who ran at him groaning and moaning like the undead. Carlos let out a loud yell and backpedaled quickly... so quickly that he forgot to let go of the mop and bucket. It's a good thing Pedro wasn't wearing the mask or Carlos would have been even more frightened.

"Pedro, what are you doing?" Carlos laughed, "You shouldn't pick on old guys like me, man. You could give me a heart attack." Carlos had a good sense of humor and loved joking about his age.

Pedro made sure Carlos wouldn't tell anyone about the incident because the night was still young...

Jon and I were working in the TMS Library when Pedro returned. After recounting the kitchen triumph, he radioed for 2nd shifter "Alex" to bring over a vacuum. Alex was a TMS student from, oh, I don't know, some podunk town in Washington. He was probably in his mid-twenties and seemed to have a really sheltered upbringing.

Maybe he was home-schooled (hahahajustkidding... kind of).

The windows on the library, like those in most office buildings, are slightly reflective, which means that if the lights are off and you approach, you cannot see anything inside... only your own reflection. As Alex approached, "Jon" and I struggled to stifle our snickering.

As Alex reached out his hand for the door, Pedro readied himself. As the door swung open, Pedro launched himself from the staircase immediately adjacent to it. He landed with a shout and Alex literally jumped back about 4 feet (he was an ex-athlete). As he did so, he uttered the most classic home-school response we could have asked for:

"Oh my word!"

Like Carlos, Alex took it all in stride and, as we shared laughs, even agreed to help us set up the night's final target: "Andre."

At the time, Andre was fairly new to custodial and was still learning the ropes. The location we picked was the Student Ministries office pool.

Jon and I hid in what was at the time Sean Higgins' office (office "B"). The door had a small window that allowed us to see clearly but remain hidden. As usual, we fidgeted in the darkness, waiting in anticipation. Soon, we heard the front door open. We backed away from the window and strained our ears for the muffled conversation we knew was coming...

"We forgot to empty the trash in Rick Holland's office [office "A"]... can you do that? It's the one over there."

But Andre was so unfamiliar with the office layout he started towards office "B" instead of office "A." Jon and I shrank into the darkness and quickly prepared ourselves to do the scaring when we heard, "No, not that one... it's this one."

Andre walked over to Rick's office and opened the door. In the darkness, all he saw was the blinking red light of Rick's answering machine. As his hand reached for the light switch, everyone tensed. With the flick of the switch, the room was filled with light. At that very instant, Pedro jumped up from Rick's chair and rushed towards Andre. Andre backtracked out of the office, stepping over a chair in the process. As we emerged from our positions, he ran back in the office and started hitting Pedro in a "you got me that time" sort of way. After several hits, Pedro had enough and pushed him away. As Andre walked out of the office, he said, "Man, you guys scared the $#!t out of me."

What can you say to that?

It doesn't mean that he's not saved. It doesn't mean that he's not godly. I suppose you could even debate whether or not it was inappropriate. But it was definitely not what we expected to hear.

you'll shoot yr. eye out!

Markets usually have pretty good deli counters. They’re usually a bit pricey, and they’re never as good as a stand-alone deli, but they give Subway and Togo’s (etc.) a run for their money.

I was working days at this point, and Jon and I headed over to Ralphs Market in the ghetto Laurel Canyon Plaza shopping center (Roscoe & Laurel Canyon). I think I ordered roast beef w/ cheddar... nice and simple. Boar's Head brand meat and cheese, which is one of my favorite brands. Jon ordered a meatball sandwich. The lady making the sandwiches was a bit eccentric, to say the least.

For one, she was incredibly slow and didn't seem in any sort of hurry. There could have been 10 customers in line and she'd probably keep plugging away, continuing at her leisurely pace, without a care in the world.

Kind of like cashiers at Target. I'm convinced Target Corporate holds employee seminars on how to proceed in the slowest manner humanly possible.

Oh, that's so bad.

By the way, my idea of an enjoyable job does NOT involve asking these questions:

Cheese? Veggies? Oil & Vinegar? Salt & Pepper? For here or to go?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not belittling labor-oriented jobs or those that require little to no education. Being a custodian wasn't exactly a glamorous choice. I completely respect people who take jobs that most people wouldn't... janitor... garbage collector... McDonald's French Fry chef... IRS agent (sorry, that's accountant humor)... because they're man or woman enough to take a job that most people wouldn't do for 10 times the customary pay rate.

But making sandwiches for a living isn't my thing. That's all I'm saying.

Thankfully, the "sandwich technician" knew how to make a tasty roast beef. I remember it being delicious

But she had a very strange way of making meatball sandwiches. After taking the meatballs out of the heated bin, she squished them onto the sandwich.

That's right.

Squished.

Go to any restaurant and order a Meatball sub. You’d probably expect to have whole meatballs in there.

Place a meatball in your hand. Not really... just mentally. Now close your hand and let the meatball seep through your fingers. Then take the squished meat ball that no longer resembles a meatball and place it on the sandwich. Then repeat 2 or 3 more times until the sandwich is complete.

For some reason, this woman was convinced that squishing was indeed the correct method of making a meatball sub...then spread the meatball (which isn't really a "ball" anymore) evenly over the entire sandwich...like some sort of meat... paste. If you’ve ever seen a Jack in the Box taco, the meat looked kind of like the "meat" in there that after she manhandled it (or would that be woman-handled?). It's supposed to be meat, but there's no real way to prove it. It sure doesn't look like meat (it doesn't really taste like meat either, but I still like them).

Jon and I exchanged a funny look.

We could have paid for our sandwiches and left with a memorable story, but if nothing else happened, I wouldn't be telling this story.

To top it off, she had trouble putting pepperocinis on the sandwich. Some people like whole pepperocinis on a sandwich, while other people (like me) prefer them in bits throughout the whole thing. Either way, you don't want the stem in there. That's just wrong. Usually, it's customary to remove the stem and the attached seeds, placing just the pepperocini shell on the sandwich. Thankfully, she knew this too. She began tearing the stems off the peppers, dumping out the juice, and putting the skin part on the sandwiches. She got a couple peppers into her task and was obviously having a hard time gripping their slick surfaces.

Then, it happened.

SQUIRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s right.

Pepper juice.

Right in the eye.

Her eye, of course, or it would be much more difficult to sit here typing this story.

Tears started to stream from her eye and she struggled to recover. Since she was still wearing the plastic Subway-type gloves, she was wiping her eye with her forearm. Jon and I were trying desperately to NOT LAUGH. We couldn't help it. I mean, yeah, it stinks to be her and I don’t normally rejoice at other people’s misfortunes... unless, of course, they’re getting pulled over by the cops for speeding... but anyway, it was one of those situations where if the lady had any sense of humor, she’d laugh about it someday. So we’ll just save her the trouble and laugh now, you know?

Man, that's bad too...

Oh well.

Listening to "We Rock Harder Than You Ever Knew" by Fine China
from the album When the World Sings

captain picard

A certain Seminary professor had a life-sized cardboard cut-out of Jean Luc Picard (the captain from Star Trek: The Next Generation) in his office.

Don’t believe that a TMS professor could be a fan of something as temporal as a movie or TV show? Well, believe it. This is a sample from his website...

Yes, that's his mug photoshopped into the Gladiator scene. I don't have quite as much respect for him after that Super Study disaster, but that's another story...

One of our responsibilities as custodians was to go around to all offices in the TMS Library and empty the trash cans. Since we usually didn’t get around to cleaning the TMS building until 3am or so, all offices were empty and all the lights (except the security lights) were off.

Pedro used to joke about how he’d love to scare someone with the Picard cut-out. He showed us how he’d do it, too... starting with hiding behind it. Suddenly, he’d do a great Mummy-type groan and run forward quickly while holding Jean Luc in front of him. Even in the well-lit office, we appreciated the fright factor that would take place. Imagine it. You opened the door to a dark office. All of the sudden, a big "thing" runs towards you while groaning like a corpse... ha, well, if a corpse could actually groan, it would sound like that. Since we knew about it Pedro’s plans, however, we were always "ready" when we opened that particular office.

One Saturday night, I was cleaning the TMS building by myself. During the week, cleaning the TMS building wasn’t that big of a deal since there were 3-6 other guys in the same building. On the weekends, however, it was a different story. You were in a darkened building all alone. Even the stoutest of hearts become a little hesitant in such an environment. My mind was elsewhere as I opened the door to Captain Picard’s Office. I turned on the lights, and began emptying the trashcan. As I stood up, I came face to face with Captain Picard in all of his cardboard glory. I just about fell over in surprise. I felt pretty silly afterward, but when you're in that environment, you're already on edge.

taste the rainbow

Being a custodian of grace...

This isn't a topic with a whole lot of overt spiritual emphasis. For some time now, I've wanted to use that title for something. Anything. On the one hand, you can take "custodian of grace" to refer to the message of the Gospel that we, as believers, have been entrusted with. On the other hand, I spent almost 4 years working as a janitor at Grace Community Church. I always thought it would be neat to record an album and utilize both meanings of that phrase, or even recruit old musician friends of mine who used to work with me (Foozie, KProw, Gus, Morgan, Darby, Kyle, etc.) and record some songs. We'd call the album "Custodians of Grace." Pretty nifty, if I do say so myself.

The "Custodians of Grace" series is a collection of memories that I have from working at GCC. Some are funny, some are scary, and some are just plain weird.

The names have been changed, just in case anyone is the details I provide (including myself). I've kept the stories as accurate as possible, but these events happened a number of years ago. I'm sure there are some details that I remember incorrectly, but I've done my best. Having said that, we'll proceed with part 1.


I had only been working at Grace Community Church for a few months. We worked the graveyard shift - 8:30pm to 5:00am. It was a pretty good job - it paid $3 more per hour than my previous job and I was able to work with a few friends. Accordingly, the nights/mornings usually passed fairly quickly.

One night, "Jon," "Nick," and I were working together. We took a break in the vending machine room on the 3rd floor of the J/K building. It wasn't really break time... officially... but that's beside the point. The glow from the machines cast an ambient glow around the room so we didn't bother to turn on the room lights. The soda machine hummed quietly. As I glanced at the snack machine, I noticed a pack of Skittles that had gotten stuck on the coils that pushed each item out. Jackpot! I quickly inserted coins of my own, fully expecting to get a nice 2-for-one deal.

I was pretty excited, but then again, it doesn't take much to excite you at three in the morning. The coils started turning and the stuck pack of Skittles came unstuck and fell to the machine's floor with a sharp crack. Unfortunately, the pack I purchased was now stuck.

Now, a sensible person would have thought, "Well, at least I got what I paid for." Not me. By this time, I wanted the "free" bag of Skittles. I put in another two quarters and this time, the pack I paid for got stuck as well.

Instead of getting two 2 packs of Skittles for $0.25 each, I had now paid $1.00 for only one pack... what a rip-off. The joke was over.

It's on!

Jon and Nick took turns shaking the machine around in hopes of freeing the trapped candy. Nothing was working. Then, I remembered something I had seen earlier that night...

"Hey, wasn't there a clothes hanger in the closet downstairs?"

"I don't know, was there?" Jon asked.

"I think so."

And there was.

After retrieving the item, we stood again before the vending machine that seemed to revel in its triumph. Jon held the bottom door open as Nick maneuvered the now-straightened hanger inside the machine, trying to poke the Skittles to freedom. Almost there... almost th--

The kitchen door squeaked open quickly and the room was filled with light. The silhouettes of "Pedro" and "Alan" filled the doorway.

Over time, Pedro would become a very enjoyable supervisor, but at the time, he was really overbearing and intimidating - definitely a "letter of the law" type.

I'm not sure where to start with the "Alan." He was a really nice guy and seemed to be really concerned with his own spiritual growth; for the most part, he seemed to be a genuine example of a spirit-filled life. But he adhered to certain traditions concerning the areas of clothing and music, and apparently had certain opinions about those who didn't follow those traditions. I heard second-hand that Alan had a few such conversations about some of us... and that's really the kind of thing you'd prefer to hear first-hand.

I was certain we would get in trouble for taking an unauthorized break, but nothing could have prepared me for what followed.

Pedro gave us a stern look and sent us back to work. "Go work in the TMS building until I tell you different."

Great. A new job and I'm already going to get fired... I just know it.

"Don't worry about it," Jon and Nick said. "Everything will be fine." But I didn't share their optimism.

Pedro and Alan called us back one by one into the security office to "have a talk." I was the last to go, which meant that I had the most time to worry about the outcome. I finally entered the office and it was there that I found out the rest of the story:

Pedro and Alan were walking down the hallway and heard laughing coming from inside the vending machine room. Since everyone was supposed to be working still, Pedro figured (correctly) that we were in there messing around. When he opened the door, the lights were off, which tipped him off that something wasn't right. When he sent us back to work, we obviously didn't have time to retrieve the clothes hanger, which was STILL IN THE MACHINE!

Instead of just getting us in trouble for not working when we should have, Pedro and Alan thought we were trying to rob the machine. We tried to explain the situation... that the lights were off because we didn't need them on...that we weren't trying to steal, just get what we actually paid for, etc. Pedro and Alan didn't believe us until we all gave the same story. We had to call our boss on speaker phone and explain what happened. He wasn't too thrilled, but he could tell that we learned our lesson. I wish I could remember what it was.

Just kidding.

It's just a pack of Skittles... let it go already.

I'm sure there's still something in my employee file about that incident, even though we just got off with a warning.

Once we were on good terms with Pedro, we'd bring up this incident to needle him.

"Remember the vending machine incident? What was up with that?"

"Aww... come on guys. I overreacted. Can't we just let bygones be bygones? Dang."

Alan, on the other hand, probably still doubts our salvation because of the incident. I wish I was kidding... I really do.